Friday 11 September 2020

Pride, shame, and love in the time of corona

Things have been a little hectic in my head lately, so I haven't written for a while. My medication, while seemingly quite effective this time around in terms of increased energy, has resulted in an absolute inability to retain focus for very long. I've been focussing on trying to channel that little focus I do have into what feels essential - therapy, art, housework, and life admin. I wish I only had to focus on art, but I think the other things are probably good for me too. 

Recently, my doctor recommended that I take some time before looking for full-time work. I have a mingled sense of relief, and deep shame. It makes me uncomfortable to think about it or talk about it, so I think I probably need to do both. In fact, the beginnings of this post have been sat in my drafts for a couple of weeks, because I feel so embarrassed about the contents, and about being a Vulnerable Adult. 

There's nothing shameful or wrong about being unable to work, obviously, but I feel still as though I ought to be better. It doesn't help that 'better' can mean 'more worthy, more good', and also 'more well.' What I need to strive for is wellness, but I can't help feeling I need to strive instead for worthiness and goodness, through becoming more well. It's the wrong way to look at things, and I know that, and it causes nothing but pain - and still, my mind goes there. 

Anyway, I have been quite productive - lots of housework, yes, but I'm also 10,000 words deep in my novel, and am working on competition pieces. I have been painting like a demon, and doing a lot of baking too. 

Someone said to me a little while ago, 'what a life you lead! you're always creating things!' It made me feel a bit weird, because that really isn't how I see myself at all. I see myself in all my slumps, troughs, and valleys, and being seen as all peak is a little unnerving. As though I will let this person down when I inevitably stop producing as much art and baking and so forth as they think I do.

Lockdown is a weird time to be a creative. I remember when all of This started back in March, feeling intensely jealous of people on furlough who were seemingly able to throw themselves into baking, creating, gaming, and so on, while I was stabbing away at my final assignments for university and trying to earn money with freelancing. But I also know a lot of people probably feel jealous of my position; and I think it's worth remembering that social media is often a highlights reel, with people feeling less inclined to share the moments that they feel scared, sad, bored, and listless.

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